In recent surveys of people living in committed relationships, 50% of respondents admitted to having sex outside their primary relationship at least once.
This is in spite of the fact that most people rank fidelity and honesty at the top of their list of relationship requirements.
What drives people to have sex outside their relationships? And why is it so exciting when a sexual affair literally falls into their laps?
Does an affair spell the end of a relationship? Should people discuss their affairs with their partners?
I think there are two main factors to consider here:
- Whether both partners can completely satisfy their sexual needs within the relationship.
- Each partner’s ability to see themselves as an object of desire.
If there’s a big gap between partners in terms of their sexual fantasies and/or how often they want to have sex, it can have a negative impact on their sex life as a couple.
And it’s equally problematic if one partner doesn’t feel attractive or desired.
Of course there are other things that can damage the sex lives of people in long-term relationships, including the boredom and routine that tends to set in over time—and we don’t want to underestimate them.
While an affair can’t save a sexual relationship, it can help point out where it might be lacking. It can also serve as a reminder of a person’s attractiveness and worth.
I did some research on a popular Internet dating site to see how many contact requests a woman over 50 could get. Within 10 minutes, there were 45 contact requests, from men ages 18 to 80!
So if you’re a woman who’s reading this, I’d like to tell you that there’s no need to put up with chronic sexual dissatisfaction in your relationship. And I want to give you full permission to live out your sexuality.
That said, even if you want to live out your sexuality, you don’t necessarily need to have a sexual affair if you’re in an otherwise healthy relationship.
But if you do choose to have an affair, it’s important to think it through beforehand.
Here are some tips to consider:
- Never have unprotected sex outside a committed partnership—you don’t want to risk any kind of infection for you or your partner.
- Think about the real reasons you’re having an affair.
- Talk with your partner about it hypothetically, or in the third person (what would happen if…?)
- Only tell your partner about the affair if it affects your future together. If you’re looking to ease your conscience, do it in a therapy session or with someone you trust.
- Learn from the affair and accept the consequences if necessary.
- Think about the possibility that the affair could develop into the love of your life!
Voilà.
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